The past can change you forever


I was talking to my counsellor the other day about how I feel that I should have gotten over a traumatic experience that happened to me back when I was seven years old. I kept saying that as a twenty year old, I should be able to have the strength to not let it affect me any more and I feel angry that it still manages to be present in my every day life. My counsellor suggested an analogy and said for me to imagine a burn on my arm. You wouldn't just put your arm in a box and ignore it, rather you would try to heal it and make it better and in the same way, when a piece of your past raises its head, you mustn't put it down and feel bad for it appearing, but care for it and let the feelings flow. Although, this is important to do, I still can't help the feeling of frustration that the past still affects me so much. To this day, I am still haunted by it because there hasn't been a time where I have had a full and understanding closure, but rather a continuation of harm and hurt to which I cannot heal.

But, I had the choice from that day to let it affect me to the core, or to try and get through it and that's what I've done. To this day, I have accomplished so much in regards to my anxiety, depression and other family issues that have made daily life an incredible struggle and I am proud. On the other side, I know that the past will always be with me, as hard as I try to let it go or put it away. If the person still acts in a way that is detrimental, it is still going to be with me. But, this doesn't mean that we have no choice. You have the strength to get to where you want to be, regardless.

Even though the traumatic events that I faced as young child have caused me problems and changed me for the rest of my life. I know that the events have caused me issues with mental illness, with health anxiety, with relationship struggles, with trust and with shutting down to protect myself. I know that and as much as I hate it, I must continue to battle to get where I want to be. 

I want you to know, that you can do it too. It may take everything in your power to get through it, but you have the strength to beat your past. Even if your past may be part of your journey, it doesn't mean that's the end. 

Amy Xx