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The bubble

University is real life, but it's also only exposing you to a certain side of it. Although you can experience the darkness that life has to offer, it just doesn't have the same tinge to it as it does outside of the university bubble; I guess this is the post university blues. At university if you're lucky, you have three years of studying a subject you love, meeting new people, trying new things and not having to worry too much about money or finding a job. The real world is another three years away and it's not something that you need to concern yourself with. You know that in one way or another, your parents, friends or the university itself will have your back. Whether that be problems with rent, exams or friends, there's always an immediate fallback. Although it doesn't feel like this at the time and you do feel solely independent, the university was always involved in some way or another, whether that be grants, exams, events or renting out the house you were staying in, unless you went private. Even so there would be a university service to help you with that. This isn't to say without a university that there is no organisation out there to help, because there is. But perhaps it's not as immediately accessible and you didn't always have them watching over you.

Now that I've finished university, I am beginning to realise that I am not in a bubble anymore and it's a pretty hard lesson to learn when you've acclimatised to something for three years. I no longer get grants from the government, live with my friends, or only have to worry about my upcoming exam. I  now have to get a job to pay the bills, am back living with my parents away from all of my university friends and worrying about what I am to do next in my life. University almost felt like a euphoric side of life in which I would still have extremely bad moments, but it's nothing that couldn't be solved and now it almost seems like I'm on my own again. I know I have my family and friends to rely on, but I don't have a big organisation to protect my back. I no longer have a three year break to figure out my future, but am now thrusted into the middle of it, working to buy more time to figure out which direction I'm going in.

I guess I feel like this as intensely as I do because I have almost been ripped away from everything I've known for three years and have almost lost my independence because I'm back living at home in the place where everything went wrong. But, I know I haven't gone backwards because I have still achieved everything I have and that can't be taken away from me. But, what I do feel is young and trapped because I feel I am not developing and that is only something that I can change, and am changing over the next few months; to moving and becoming independent again and to applying to my dream job. It will just take time. There is nothing to say that I can't feel the way I did at university ever again, I just need to set the wheels in motion to make it happen, and with time and being as determined as I am, I'm sure I can. University will always be a fond memory, but there is nothing to say that I can't experience the feelings that university gave me, ever again.

Amy Xx

I graduated!

After finding out a few weeks ago that I would be graduating with first class honours in Law, I knew that it wouldn't be long until graduation weekend came around. The strange thing is that it has all happened in a blink of an eye. Literally, blink and you'll miss it. I remember my first day of university and feeling like a small fish in a big pond and that the thought of graduation was so long away. Right now though, it almost feels as if my university experience has been blurred into one big momentous memory. It was the time of my life and I don't regret it all, I'm just sad that it's over and that it seemed to last merely seconds. 

When graduation came around, I couldn't quite believe that the day was finally here. I registered and ran into all of my course mates, friends and lecturers that I had spent time with one way or another over the years. I proceeded to collect my robes and had endless photos. In those moments though, it all felt surreal. It was the weirdest feeling because I was feeling a mix of emotions; both happy and sad, excited and nervous. But what scared me the most was the fact that I knew this day would never come again and I was finally living the dream that I had always wanted to achieve. I attended the ceremony which was very formal and full of university tradition. We had the head of our Law school, a high court judge read out our names with all of our family, friends and fellow graduates onlooking and to whom we gave huge applause for the support they had given us over the years. As quickly as the lecturers, sheriffs, chancellors and students went up on the stage, it was the end of the ceremony. I even combatted one of my biggest fears of being on stage which soon became a moment of happiness. It's definitely a day I won't be forgetting. 

I am no longer a student but an alumni of the university, which is weird to say because I still feel 17 years old. I can't really put into words how it felt, but for all of you who have graduated, you will know what I mean! An amazing three years, with amazing people. It has changed me as a person and I will miss it dearly. I am extremely proud of what I have achieved and I will hold on to the bundle of emotions of graduation day for the rest of my days. I will always be fond of those and hold it close to my heart. 


You are stronger than you think and can 
achieve anything you put your mind to. 





I've Made It (First Class Honours!)

If you told me five years ago that I would be sat here with a First Class honours Law degree, I would have dismissed it because five years ago I couldn't leave the house, go to school or even talk to anyone outside of my home. These last three years I have spent studying at university away from home and it has been the best decision of my life so far. I have met some incredible people and had unforgettable experiences which will always stay with me and at the end of all of this I have come out with an amazing result. I am extremely proud of myself and this is something I don't often say because I have always been modest and have kept any self-gratification at the bottom of the pile. However I can honestly say that I am extremely proud because not only does this represent the hard work I have put into my degree, but it recognises my achievements that I have in regards to my mental health journey. 

During my A-levels I hardly went to school because my mental health was so bad, so I had to teach myself and I came out with grades that were lower than predicted and during that time I was still struggling with leaving the house, catching buses and talking to people amongst a myriad of other things. At the moment I got my results I was disappointed but as I look back now, my results were not as bad as I thought at the time. In that moment I decided to still go to university and that was the step forward that changed my future. During and before this time, I had put so much effort into making myself better, whether that be getting doctors to listen to me, getting counselling from different people, doing things out of my comfort zone or taking medication. But, it all really kicked off from that moment forward. 

With a lot of hard work, help with medication and counselling I managed to make university a positive and enjoyable experience and one that I would quite happily repeat. Of course there were some down moments as there is when you struggle with mental health, let alone the other issues you may face at university, but the majority of my time there has been amazing. 

My degree represents so much more than what it is. It represents me overcoming the challenges that my mental health gave me and moving on from the trauma I had faced in the past and at home. It's shown me my strength and determination. It's also proven to me that against all odds, you can get to where you want to and that even in the darkest of times when you have no hope left and you just cannot face the hell that surrounds you, just holding on and persevering can make all of the difference. I know that if I can do it, so can you. 

I also just want to say a quick thank you to everyone who has supported me on my journey. Without you, I wouldn't be here today, let alone getting first class honours.

It's now time to celebrate and get my cap and gown ready for graduation!


Show the world what you're made of.


Amy xx 

My YouTube!

As you may or may not know I've taken the next step and started a YouTube channel to go alongside my blog. I have been writing this blog for around four years now so I felt it to be the next natural step in the progression. By the time this post is published, I will have had my Youtube for around 2-3 months.

As to content on my channel, it's all related to mental health and lifestyle in the form of short films. If you think that this will interest you, then please do subscribe. In the meantime, here are a few of my videos below:


Don't forget to subscribe!
Amy X

What's going to happen when I see my Doctor?

I've had a lot of people ask me what will happen if they were to go and see their doctor about their mental health and the honest answer is that there is no set outcome that I can promise. But there are certain things that they will (hopefully) do if you go.

First of all, I strongly suggest going to see your doctor if you're struggling as they are in the best place to help you with remedies for your condition. I'll be honest in saying that not all doctors will understand nor are they trained in depth about mental health (this is something I'll rant about another timet) but please don't let this stop you from seeing a professional as there will be one out there who understands. It's about perseverance and unfortunately that is just the way it is at the moment. In my personal experience it was my third doctor that finally really understood me. Of course I was extremely disheartened and angry that I was not being understood, but I wasn't going to let it put me off because I knew I had to get better in whichever way I knew how. 

My experience of my GP probably won't be the same as you, but I can impart what I experienced as I'm sure they all have to follow a similar procedure. When you get into the consultation room, they will ask you what the problem is as per any other consultation at the doctors, it's up to you to tell them what's wrong. Now, I know this is hard but you've really got to try and explain to them the extent of your problems and if that's too hard you could always write it down before hand and give it to the doctor when you get into the consultation room. From what I remember I got asked the usual questions in relation to symptoms and anxiety and depression and a lot of the time I had to fill in a questionnaire or scale determining my severity of anxiety and depression. I didn't get given mediation on the first instance, and in my eyes that was better as it led me to try everything but before I had to resort to it as my last choice. I had a rather unsuccessful first time going to the doctors about my mental health, but in reality they will hopefully either ask you to come back in a few weeks, or give you guidance to counselling or medication or something on these lines. 

Please, please don't put off going to see the doctors as it could be so important to you. I know you may be scared but it's key to get you better as soon as possible. Thousands of people are and have been going through it. Remember that a doctor is just like you, a human! and as 1/4 have a mental health condition in any one year, your doctor could be having their own battles. 

Best Wishes,
Amy Xx

Journal #3 22nd October 2014

Journal entry number three. Please don't read if you feel this may be triggering. 


Wednesday 22nd October 2014

"As far as we're aware, we only get one life. Supposedly this means I should do whatever I can put my mind to, but it's never that easy. Aside from the cliche, the thought of having so much life and killing it makes me sad. In this world we all have choices which can change our destiny; choices which shape the gift of life. Because that's what life is, a gift, which can be taken away just like the popping of a balloon. It's fragile and too often I feel people can forget, myself included when i'm at the depths of my illness. But Death may be just around the corner and yet people still decide to take damaging risks with their life. What we must understand is that although life can be the darkest hell we have ever seen, it can also be the most beautiful thing ever to experience. I just wish I could show people what life can be and although we never know what's around the corner, I hope I'm not going to look back one day and see sadness in my eyes." 

I wrote this when I was sitting on a bus I believe. I was observing all of the different people we drove past and ended up writing this passage. I'm not sure that I was the most depressed I had ever been at that point, but I remember that I wasn't the happiest. It must have been a time when I felt hope but also sadness. A time where I was thinking about my future and what I wanted to make from it. I suppose, a realisation that a future from a time of hell was possible. Something that is also possible for you.

Best Wishes,
Amy Xx